Rejection Kitsch

“I firmly believe that there is no good way to reject a woman”, my best male friend said, in one of our conversations about relationships. “Whether it is in person, by phone, or by email, no matter how delicately you try to treat her, she will always find fault with the way you did it.”

A while ago, I got rejected by a man I liked very much, in favor of another woman. By email, but that’s alright with me, because it would have been way more humiliating in person. While I was still going through the mainstays of any love rejection, like not being able to eat (not the worst side-effect, I have to say), picturing that other woman as a supermodel with an IQ of 200, and wishing him to go completely bald before his wedding day, the part that got me the most upset was the way he ended his email. “Best wishes in finding someone who makes you happy! You are a terrific person and deserve all the good things that life can offer.”

You are terrific (just not good enough for me). I hope you find someone that makes you happy (as long as it’s not me). You deserve the best (just not the best of me). Thanks, thanks a mil’! I feel so much better now. I really needed you to validate me, and now it’s all fine. That’s why you don’t want me, because I’m too much of a good thing.

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s being patronized. I know who I am, I know what I have to offer and I also know what my shortcomings are. I didn’t even question his decision to go for the affection of another woman. When I met him, I was going through a very stressful period in my life, and I am aware that I was not very easy to be around. Although I instantly liked him, I was moody, defensive, shy and suspicious. Besides, since I’m still struggling to build a life here, I don’t have the best credentials on the dating market. I know that. If he found someone more appealing, so be it. Rejection is part of the game. But, for God’s sake, don’t humiliate me even further! You’re not trying to comfort me, you’re just trying to feel like less of a jerk. Which is downright stupid and pointless, because simply preferring another woman does not make you a jerk.

I don’t think people understand how hurtful these words can be. They are meant to soften the blow, but they just make it worse, by throwing a veil of hypocrisy over the whole thing. What was once a genuine connection is then coated in a slimy veneer of politically correct bullshit. Putting make-up on a bruise doesn’t stop the throbbing pain.

I can honestly say that, for a while, I did not wish him to be happy with this woman. In fact, I hoped he lives to regret his choice. I hoped they fail each other royally. I was sad, angry, disappointed, jealous, insulted, I missed him terribly and I felt physically sick. How could I have possibly played the gracious loser part without feeling like a complete fraud? When I get over a man, yes, I may wish him the best, or I may simply never think of him again, but then the pain was still fresh. But I know I was expected to return the same cheap, empty well-wishes and hide the fact that I’m human. That would have been the proper thing to do. I did not return them, and I’m sure he thought that was petty of me.

That being said, he was hardly an exception when it comes to dumb ways of wrapping up a delicate situation like that, so this text is not really about this particular man. I have heard such words almost every single time I was rejected. You’re wonderful, I value your friendship, you deserve a better man than I, I have feelings for you, but I don’t know what to do with them (shove… ass, connect the dots), et caetera. It’s the standard nowadays. Two people who once looked each other in the eye are expected to engage in a ridiculous game of emotional curtseys, like two grotesque Victorian puppets. You feel like you’re not talking to the real person anymore, but to a caricature of them. It’s the ultimate kitsch that Kundera was talking about, and it’s even sadder when it comes from someone whose intelligence you used to admire. It needs to stop!

I once met a man, back in Romania, and we hit it off. We had a lovely time together, but he soon had to relocate for work reasons. We decided to try the long-distance thing, but it was too hard for him to be alone for such long periods. He met someone else, and broke up with me by text message. It went something like this: “I don’t think this is working. I met a nice woman here and we’re moving in together. It’s a bit soon, but I need to split the rent anyway, so I thought, why not. Thanks for everything.” Chapeau! Many would say his message was callous, but I think it was genius! It was so honest and so raw, that I couldn’t even get mad at him.

There is no painless way to reject someone, it’s true. Hell, it even hurts if you get rejected by someone you don’t like, let alone if you have feelings for them. But some ways of rejection are more respectful than others. Be compassionate, but don’t patronize, don’t lie, don’t feign noble feelings, when, in fact, you couldn’t care less. Don’t even say you’re sorry, if you don’t mean it. You are entitled to seek happiness wherever you can find it, but don’t condescend to the ones you jilt by throwing them crumbs. Is that so much to ask?